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You can barely look at newspapers or television -- or talk with a friend -- without being impressed that our modern culture has reached an extreme of its own. Everywhere you turn, you see failed relationships and broken families. This culture produces people who are EXTREMELY selfish, EXTREMELY distrusting, EXTREMELY un-giving. In this context, a cooperative fellow will be considered EXTREMELY -- "overly" -- trusting. A caring woman will be considered extremely -- "overly" -- unselfish. No WONDER spiritual life seems extreme to the average person. |
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| Will the REAL extremist please stand up? |
But can we talk? Perhaps people who are living committed spiritual lives are not extremists at all. Indeed, true spiritual life is an artful BALANCE between elements which, in proper proportions, are absolutely healthy. In that light, let's reconsider some key issues that push people's buttons the most about spiritual community: control, trust, economic cooperation, giving, and authority. Over-control, under-control Our society is truly confused about control. It is commonly assumed that being very much "in control" -- of your life, your time, your resources, your mind -- is ideal. And obviously that's true -- UP TO A POINT. But when people conform to what is conventionally considered "normal" in the area of control, they are, in fact, excessively and neurotically controlling. Actually, the ordinary person has two problems relative to control: One, he has a tendency to be overly controlling in areas where he ought to relax and have more faith. Two, he is really lacking in control in other areas -- for example, SELF control. Excessive control. It is no secret that in today's society, many people err on the side of excessive control. Any person who cannot share power comfortably in cooperative, trusting relationships has real social, emotional, and spiritual problems. So the relaxation business is, of course, booming. So is the spontaneous dance movement business, the catharsis business, and the inner voice business. All of these encourage us to release excessive control. Out of control. At the same time, the average person does not have much mental discipline or self control. People's reactive minds and roller-coaster emotions are causing them enough problems that they are willing to pay big bucks to try to solve them. Countless support groups and psychological institutions have sprung up to address the problem of reactivity. They know that extreme reactivity causes social dysfunction. |
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Real spiritual maturity achieves a healthy balance between positive self control and positive flexibility. |
The middle position. Real spiritual maturity achieves a healthy balance between positive self control and positive flexibility. Paradoxically, it takes flexibility to exert real control in life. For example: In order to act upon inner promptings rather than following personal plans or whims, you must relinquish egoic control of your works, mind, and will -- and surrender to a higher principle. Ironically, in that very gesture of surrender, you are becoming a co-creator who can exercise a powerful and beneficial influence over the world. You are GAINING power. |
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A recipe for |
In order to reach spiritual heights, every human being needs to learn the artful balance between flexibility and control. To achieve this healthy condition, the unhealthy aspects of control -- fearfulness, faithlessness, and inflexibility in thought and action -- must be REDUCED, and the healthy aspects must be INCREASED. Healthy control includes mental and emotional discipline, the development of truly independent (non-reactive) thought, and consistency of will. |
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Pulling one's own weight is good and appropriate, but many people have become obsessive about not depending on others -- whether those "others" happen to be friends, partners, or even mates. As noble as it seems, the model of financial independence replaces the spiritually healthy premise "United we stand; divided we fall" with its opposite: "United I might fall; separated I stand." The trouble is, the assertion "Separated I stand" builds upon the destructive presumption that the interests of others and the interests of self are essentially in conflict. |
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Distrust creates |
Granted, many marriages and partnerships fail. But is that a justification for distrust, or a RESULT of it? Distrust creates what it expects by fueling the engine called self-fulfilling prophesy. In that sense, what distrusting people refer to as sober realism is in fact intoxication -- with paranoia. They are drunk with fear, not sober. And this, again, is an EXTREME condition. |
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| Every project -- personal or cooperative -- requires energy and diligence to succeed. In the distrusting model, what is missing is the persistence necessary to make any venture work -- which is the real reason why cooperation often fails. When the initial commitment is weakened by skepticism and apprehension, individual energy is withheld from group projects. The cooperative enterprise is undernourished from the beginning, diminishing its viability. Then, at the first sign of difficulty, distrusting people swiftly put the project out of its misery. Their rationale is, "Why throw good money after bad?" While that may not be entirely unsound, the fact still remains that persistence is required for success. |
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| Without trust, we won't persist. Without persistence, our projects are unlikely to succeed. |
Other cultures criticize Americans for being too impatient to make things work. If we don't get financial pay back from a project within two years, we'll bail. The same lack of persistence aborts marriages, relationships, communes, and partnerships of all kinds. In contrast, the Japanese are willing to wait for fifteen years to profit on an undertaking. In that time, they work out the bugs and make it work by brute persistence. Their projects often succeed mightily -- a decade AFTER we abandoned ours! |
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Healthy self-reliance happens WITHIN healthy interdependence. |
Economic cooperation only fails when each individual fails to give it their best -- just as personal projects fail when not supported by proper effort. Giving a cooperative project our best requires a balance between healthy self-reliance and healthy collaboration -- on the fulcrum of trust. |
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Moral health requires generous giving out of whatever you have. |
Generosity doesn't demand draining your reserves by giving beyond your means. But moral health certainly includes GENEROUS giving! So don't wait to give. You don't know when you're going to die. |
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Authority-avoidance |
The popular ideas "I have to do things my way," "I need my space," and "I'm not a joiner," all convey the impression of virtuous independence. But people go overboard when they go to the extreme of saying that all authority is bad. If that's so, why did you go to school; why did you take guitar lessons; why did you have a mentor in business? There are people around who can help you by teaching you. Acknowledging that is not extremism of any kind. But to say, "I have to do everything myself, I hate authority in general," is truly extreme. |
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The teacher's job is not to make children of adults, but to make adults of children. |
Just as we needed wise parents to help us grow into healthy, responsible adults, we need wise spiritual guidance to help us grow into spiritual maturity. An intelligent student knows that the teacher's job is not to make children of adults, but to make adults of children. |
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