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I took an afternoon drive with my friend Mana a few days ago, hoping to clear my head and enjoy the countryside. So beautiful, so peaceful: the green pastures, the rolling hills dotted with oak and bay laurel trees. We watched the scenery flow past our windows without speaking; quietly enjoying each other's company. As we drove through the sweet cool air on that bright autumn day, I felt God's gentle presence in the meadows, the sky, all around.

Suddenly Mana sat bolt upright, wide-eyed, and beamed at me, bright as the sun. The next moment, she thrust both her hands over her head, tilted her face back, and let out a long, soulful, "Ohh!" Lowering her head, she looked out the window, opened her arms to the fields and the cows and the clouds and the birds, and passionately exclaimed, "It is! It is! It is! It is! It is! It is! It is! It is! It is! It is! It is!" Falling silent again, she threw her head back, closed her eyes, and slowly raised one hand toward her chin along the arch of her neck, as if feeling intense pleasure. Then she turned slowly and deliberately toward me, with a look of utter innocence combined with total confidence, and emphatically pronounced, "I!"

I could barely keep my attention on the road ahead. Mana's features were transformed into a smooth, tranquil Buddha countenance. Her eyes, gazing at me from beneath slightly closed lids, had an amazing, other-worldly depth. Her lips formed a bewitching smile, bearing no resemblence to Mana's normal toothy grin. Her look filled me to overflowing. What was going on?

Slowly it dawned on me: God was not just a presence I could vaguely feel in the fields. The Goddess was sitting right next to me in the car! And She was talking to me!

"God?" I asked, timidly.

"I!" She repeated, widening Her smile with approval. "I am."

"Why didn't you come?"

I couldn't ignore the strong feelings that welled up inside at this unexpected meeting. All my life, I had yearned to meet God face-to-face. Now, in my middle age, my disappointed longing surfaced as a complaint. Delicately, I broached the subject. "Long ago, I prayed to You for days on end, begging You to appear to me. Why didn't You come to me then, when I so desperately wanted to see you?" Her response was lightning swift, emphatic: "I came! I came! I came!"

What did that mean? How could I have missed Her? My mind raced. I couldn't recall ever seeing God before. Then this saying came to mind: "There are none so blind as those who will not see." Could it be, that saying applied to me? I certainly had my heart set on a particular vision of God I wanted to see -- a radiant Being shedding light and beauty all around, or a ball of blinding Light. Perhaps, as an expression of my preference, my demand, my expectation, I REFUSED to see God in any other form.

I also remembered an old Yiddish tale I once heard. A Jewish family had laid out the traditional extra place setting, preparing a symbolic place for God at their Passover meal, and expected that seat to remain empty as it always had. But on this particular night, they heard a knock on the door. On their doorstep stood a haggard, unkempt beggar, asking if they would give him a morsel of food. Being of kind heart, the family invited him in, and shared their holiday dinner with him. The following week, in prayer, the devout father complained, "God, I long to see You. Why haven't You come?" To his surprise, God replied, "I came! I came last week. Didn't you see Me?" "What do you mean?" the man protested. "The only visitor who came last week was that pathetic beggar." God explained, "That beggar was ME."

Missing God here, there, and everywhere

In my past, God had not come in Her pure Goddess form, the way I had imagined Her. If She had come that way, I felt sure I would have recognized Her immediately. But apparently I failed to see Her because She came in a disguise, like in the Yiddish parable. The moral of that story hit much closer to home than I ever suspected.

What unattractive person from my past, I wondered, had actually been the answer to my prayers? Could God have disguised Herself as my grouchy old neighbor, back when I lived in California? Emboldened by my new insight, I asked Her, "Oh, could that have been You, in the form of that disagreeable old neighbor I had? After all, You are the soul essence, the spark of all life. So when You say You came, do You mean You were there, deep within him -- right? You were the light behind his eyes, and the power behind his gravelly voice. Is that what You mean?"

She focused intently at me, squinting Her eyes very slightly, and soundly slapped Her chest with Her hand, "I! I! I came."

Ignoring Her obvious disagreement with my conclusion, I continued, "I must have been too superficial. I was looking only at the surface. But I could not find You there -- you were hidden deep within that crusty old man. I think I understand -- it's Your Divine game of Hide and Seek."

Again, She emphatically insisted, "I came!" Her tone was still disagreement.

I was confused. Isn't it true that God is in everything and everyone? Wasn't that the only logical explanation? As if reading my thoughts, She turned Her head very slightly to the side without taking Her gaze off of me. She continued to watch me intently from the corners of Her eyes. I could tell I still wasn't getting Her point.

As I struggled to comprehend, another, much more radical possibility began to dawn on me. I blurted out, "You were not just WITHIN that old man; You WERE that old man." Could that be it? I glanced quickly at the road and then turned back to Her. Her expression had softened into a wordless agreement.

She spoke slowly, softly but deliberately: "He is My Love.... I am.... There is no "him" to Me. I am."

A smile enveloped Her face. She paused. Her eyes narrowed slightly, as if She was searching for the words to describe something very profound. Finally She exclaimed, "All, all, all. Me. All!" She threw Her head back and closed Her eyes as She savored the Truth of what She described. "Mmmm!" Then, looking back at me, She used both hands to make a round gesture of offering from Her heart, full of overwhelming tenderness. "Yes. This love continues. This love continues... in ALL. Endless. In all.... Sweet!"

She moved Her face close to me, as if continuing to make Her point silently, through feeling. Or perhaps, it was simply to let the truth really sink into my consciousness -- that She was here for me, and always had been, and always would be.

While we sat for a moment in silence, Her unspoken words took form in my mind:

Inwardly reeling from these profound corrections to my thinking, I returned my attention to the road ahead and the scenery around us. As we sped along past fertile fields and pastures, a red-tailed hawk streaked across the road, his magnificent white and black patterned wings passing only a few feet from our windshield. A thin procession of wispy clouds paraded gracefully above the horizon to the west.

I remembered an occasion recently when I misplaced my car keys, and searched a long time before finding them. I looked everywhere except in the car, because I was certain I had not left them there. But finally, after looking everywhere ELSE several times, I went outside in exasperation and found them in the ignition. They had been there all along, but I had refused to look there, because of my certainty that they were not there.

Clearly, that WAS the precise reason why I had not seen the Goddess coming to me as that old man, and in so many other forms -- indeed, nearly all other forms -- before and since: I missed seeing God appearing to me in plain view, just as I requested, because I didn't expect to see God on the SURFACE of things. God is only found in the depths, right? Wrong!

All of all

Interrupting my thoughts, She spoke again, with long pauses between each phrase, "I. Of. Of. Of ALL."

We crested a small hill and drove through a stretch of woods, the sunlight filtering through the trees in shafts of light. "ALL of all," She added.

The conversation had gotten too deep for me to continue to drive. I eased on the brakes and pulled over to the side of the road. I rolled down the car window part way. Maybe a little fresh air would help me think.

What did She mean, "Of"? Usually, when we say "of," we are distinguishing one thing from the group in which it belongs. Best of all. King of kings. Maybe what She meant was something else: "Of" as in "composed of," "of the nature of." Like this: Blade OF grass. Dress OF silk. A blade of grass IS grass. Grass is its actual substance. A dress of silk IS silk.

That understanding was consistent with Her last statement, "ALL of all." She was telling me, God is not just the "good" parts of everything; God is ALL of everything. And by the same token, everything is OF the nature and substance of God. In my case, I had presumed that God is ONLY the BEAUTY of all, the SPARK of all -- only the good PART of the mixed bag of creation. She was clearly not going for that interpretation! Somehow, even though many things exist, and many differences appear, it's all the same, the same as Her. It IS Her.

Satisfied that I was near comprehension, I released the parking brake, and pulled slowly back onto the street. A cool wind whistled gently through my half-open windows as I felt the crucial difference between Her use of the word OF, and ours. Her idea unifies; ours divides.

The word "within" is the same. When we think WITHIN, we tend also to think, NOT outside, and NOT on the surface. But WITHIN EVERYWHERE is what God meant by "the Kingdom of Heaven is within."

The fact that we think "God is within" means "not without" and "not on the surface" prevents us from seeing God on the "surface." Thus, we can be looking directly at God, and not see God. We could be unaware of the Presence of God, the Omnipresent.

Likewise, we believe that we can only see God at the height of our devotional fervor, or in an exalted spiritual state. Therefore, we stand up disappointed after each meditation in which we do not see God, and we never even look for God in our ordinary life activities, and in our ordinary state of mind.

Realizing how eagerly and willingly God had come to me, just exactly as I had requested, and feeling the patience and persistence with which She had, just now, conveyed Her deepest truths with me, tears came to my eyes. I, and all my human brothers and sisters, so thoroughly exclude God from our lives with our extremely narrow ideas of WHAT God is, WHERE to look for God, and WHEN we might see God! God does not wish to be excluded. God longs to be with us, even more than we long to see God. We need not be apart! Truly, we ARE never apart.

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