About Birds of a Feather

Many people complain they can't find birds of a feather, kindred spirits, soul mates. That can be a problem, no doubt. But also -- and you may have noticed this too -- people sometimes overestimate their own spiritual-emotional maturity. In that case, they may be searching, or waiting, in vain. Waiting for that special someone who is, at present, out of their league. And for fulfillment that's out of their reach.

When it comes to fulfillment in love, what counts most is one's own competence in loving. Often, when love relations fail, the partners may have their differences, but in love-competence, they were the same -- or closer than they thought. One partner might be egotistically "non-spiritual," the other egotistically "spiritual." Perhaps they think they're opposites; but as lovers, they're about equal: equally incompetent Perhaps the birds-of-a-feather theory merits closer inspection . . .

"What goes around, comes around." And, "The love you take is equal to the love you make." Do you believe those fundamental principles are true? And what about this one: Life does provide quality love to those who can give and receive it competently. Have you noticed that?

If you believe in those principles, disappointment in love may not call for the standard responses: waiting, searching, or shaking one's fist at the heavens, asking God, "Why me?" Instead, disappointment in love may just call for a higher level of responsibility.

Granted, if partners disappoint, it could be that their willingness to love, and to transcend their own ego in the name of love, is insufficient -- and significantly less than your own. But what if, in relationship after relationship, you haven't found the love you want and need, the love you feel you deserve? In that case, a reality check may be warranted. Because surely, in that case, your own orientation -- including the overall quality of your love -- is a factor. How could it not be a factor?

Responsibility dawns when you ask yourself these questions:

"What kind of love am I making, and how much of it?"

"Am I really loving my partners enough to bring out the best in them? Or could I be bringing out their worst?"

Taking responsibility beats displacing responsibility. It works. Otherwise, the search for birds of a feather goes on. And so does the waiting.

Unfortunately, precious few people with chronic love troubles muster the self-honesty -- and the courage -- to realize, "Wait a minute; I might be attracting birds of a feather already!" But as you know, incompetent lovers tend to be weak in self-honesty. Otherwise, they wouldn't be incompetent lovers, would they?

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